A Spiritual Moment for Three of Us

I’d finished speaking to the group that had come to hear my talk and I invited folks to ask questions. A woman (my age) and her two daughters, in their 50’s, sat in the front row and the Mom asked: “How do you know the right time to send your husband to a care facility?” She almost shook when she asked the question; I could feel her pain. 

I knew the question, for it’s one I’m often asked. I simply answered: “If you’re wondering, it’s probably already time to seriously consider this.” Then I tell them my story…how I was my husband’s sole Caregiver for 13+ years; I’d taken him for every doctor appointment…every PT, OT and neurological appointment since he was hit on a mountain road in North Carolina 16 years ago. I even had him in a Drug Trial to offset the progress of his Alzheimer’s (Why do they call it ‘progress’?). 

Over time, I grew more and more exhausted, less able to do all that’s involved in 24/7 Caregiving of my husband (I always capitalize all forms of this word, for we Caregivers are that important!). His disease was draining me, leaving me the more vulnerable one. 

It all began with a herniated disc. Then I caught a terrible cold from my husband and the wracking cough shot the pain level up to 15 on the 1-to-10 scale. To counter the pain, my doctor prescribed pain medication that affected my intestinal tract. The result? Over the next two months, I lost 30 lbs.; All I could do was lie in bed; I couldn’t eat anything; I had no strength. 

To make matters worse, I was my husband’s sole Caregiver. He’d come to the bedroom door 20 x’s a day to ask if he could do anything for me (short term memory loss made him unaware he’d asked many times before.) That is part of the difficulty for the Caregiver: He/she can never get rest. The Caregiver is “on” 24/7. 

So, I made the difficult decision. I’d had my husband on the waiting list for the RI Veterans Home for 3 years and in the 4th year, when they called to say a bed was available, I took it. I’d let it pass the other years, still of the belief I could do it all. The reality? I couldn’t. 

I warn people (mostly women—but some men, too) NOT to take on a loved one’s care by themselves, for the day-to-day demands will whittle you down. That’s what happened to me. 

After my talk, the woman who asked the question came up to me, alongside her daughters and they all hugged me. They were so grateful for what I said. Their Mom was crying—She’d been bravely trying to do all and her daughters who lived away were so worried. They were the ones who’d learned of my talk at the Charlton, Mass. Library and  said “Mom, we’re going to hear this woman (me) speak.” 

Now, I’d given this brave Caregiver permission to acknowledge that she could no longer do this alone…

It was a spiritual moment for all of us.

***Pic above is of the Charlton, Mass. Library

Former Providence Journal feature writer, monthly columnist, author and speaker, Colleen Kelly Mellor, invites your opinion. Email her at (colleenkellymellor@gmail.com). Her website is colleenkellymellor.com where her latest book—Az and Me: A Partner’s Journey with Alzheimer’s (Amazon) gives Caregivers tips, hope and humor. Her monthly column “The View from 80+” appears in 4 regional newspapers in RI: Warwick Beacon, Cranston Herald, Johnston Sunrise, and Coventry Reminder.

Colleen also co-hosts the Alzheimer’s Support Group that meets the 2nd Monday of every month at 9:00 AM, at the Pilgrim Sr. Ctr. In Warwick. All are invited.

***Stay tuned to Colleen’s column about how to get others to share the Caregiver Load…

#Caregivers #Seniors #Alzheimer’s #Dementia #CharltonMassLibrary